This is my life. 3


I always joke that “this can’t be life” whenever crazy, illogical, or incredulous things happen to me. It was never too serious, just a fleeting acknowledgment of the myriad inconveniences that are thrown my way in the midst of me living my so-called life.

Unfortunately, I noticed that I now use the term multiple times a day, and the laugh factor behind the phrase is missing.  What once was a chance to poke fun at my misfortune has turned into a plea of sorts, akin to me begging the universe to pump its breaks.

This, certainly, cannot be my life.  Except it is.  Every day, I wake up a little more resigned to my reality than I’m comfortable with.  I guess this is a part of the process of becoming what I imagine as a full-fledged adult, but I always expected more. More contentment. More happy moments. More satisfaction. But it’s just not there. Instead, I have a plethora of feelings that more often than not involve second-guessing the major moves I’ve made recently and fearing what trajectory those moves have put me on.

Part of me knows I have to wait and see how things work out. The reality is that it’s completely at odds with my need for immediate results.  My momentary dissatisfaction might give way to a feeling of belonging, happiness, and a host of other feelings that signify that I’ve done the right things, if I give time the chance to work out the kinks.  But part of me fears that I made the wrong move and I’m just walking head-first into a bottomless pit of emptiness if I’m not perceptive enough to realize the erorr of my ways before it’s too late.  Sigh. That will NOT be my life. I really can’t let that happen.

But what if it already has? :-/

 


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3 thoughts on “This is my life.

  • Ushie

    Girl, you’re tripping. It’s never to late. It’s a little different for you only because you have others to consider when making certain decisions. You definitely have to pepper your life with little things that bring you pleasure. You’re life may not be what you thought it might, but you have to take each day as a new chapter. There are very few decisions you can make that will resign you to a life of unhappiness. Most paths can be re-routed as soon as you feel you’ve gone astray. Stay hopeful chica!

  • Jocelyn

    I know EXACTLY how you feel. At the above mentioned times I always find myself
    thinking or saying to myself “I don’t know what it is lord but this can’t be IT”. Like
    as if to say this can’t be the end of it and how I am to be for the rest of my life
    there has got to be more. What can I say when it rains it pours and sometimes
    this is all I can say to keep myself from tears when real bad stuff happens. I feel
    the same way at times too, like the whole kids and being a mom thing is cool, it
    is DEF something I wanted there is just other stuff I wanted to be a little more
    successful and have more to show for and provide better is all. But what can I do
    here I am smack dab in the middle of it all. I ask for guidance also to get clarity
    sometimes.
    Last night, I stumbled upon a bible verse about riches and wealth being meaningless
    and how you can’t worship both God and money, and how if you acquire too much you’ll never be satisfied or happy : X This relates to me but I just feel like I’m living below
    my potential and my means. I can’t help it. I am guilty of wanting more : / I was also reminded to live up to and honor vows made before God. I guess I have to be hopeful too that there is a rainbow, and the decisions I have made thus far and stop second guessing myself and wondering about a future I won’t know details of and worrying about it all. I don’t hate my life it’s just some stuff leaves me to wonder “what am I doing?” and will it be all alright in the end….