Life has a crazy way of making you periodically take stock in the relationships you toil over, struggling to maintain. I’m notoriously bad at fighting to maintain what I consider to be faulty relationships. I’m quick to let people in, but am even quicker to let them go. Sometimes it’s with a little foot-dragging on my part, but normally, it’s quick and silent. I allow myself to fade to black, being long gone before they ever realize I was contemplating an exit. I keep running into this issue, not always for myself, but for the people around me as well. It seems like every time I turn around, someone has a relationship that’s at a crossroads. Do you fight for it, knowing that drama, hurt, and frustration will be ever-present? Or do you let go, knowing that while the initial pain of loss will subside, when the dust settles, you may be alone? Well, more often than not, I am the little devil in an ear, saying “let it go, it’s not worth the trouble!”
I was reading someone’s blog and they said What I’m upset about is that this day should matter to someone else just as much as it does to me. … I’m feeling disappointed in the people around me, but it’s displaced anger. I’m not mad at them. This cross isn’t theirs to bear. I wish they were a little more supportive and a little more intuitive about how I might be feeling, but they’re all doing the best they know how to do. It immediately made me think of how I feel about Dave’s death and how sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who still grieves. It makes me question myself, wondering if there’s something wrong with me that I can’t seem to get past it. And it often borders on resentment. I resent that they act like they don’t miss him, that they don’t feel like his death was unfair, that he’s just a bygone memory. And I believe they all have those feelings, but … are mine more intense? Maybe I just let mine bubble to the surface more.
I loved my friend. He went away from me. There’s nothing more to say. The poem ends Soft as it began. I loved my friend. ~”Poem” by Langston Hughes Yesterday, David Andrew Ellis would have been 27 years old. Who knows what else he’d have going on in his life, or if we’d even still be a part of each other’s post-college lives. I’d like to think so, but five years ago, I would’ve also thought he’d still be alive. This year we celebrated his birthday quietly, with the traditional dinner with the usual suspects, minus a few. I can’t lie; it was great to see everyone again. We keep up with each other superficially on twitter, blogs, facebook, etc., but nothing compares to getting the crew back together in our old stomping grounds.
I was sorting through some old emails and found a response I’d given to a friend who was struggling with a relationship with one of her family members. My response to her was: Dwelling on what happened in the past can’t change it. Take what happened, make peace with it, and, most importantly, GROW from it. Closure is for you, not for the other person. You don’t even need to speak to them to have closure for yourself — if you do, you don’t really have closure. And definitely don’t let someone else’s actions (or lack thereof) dictate the way you approach your future … “Can’t another nigga control my fate”
I’m a fairly reserved person, that can at times border on antisocial. As a result, I keep a small circle, both friends and family. Choosing the five who mean a lot to me won’t really be too difficult, because … I just don’t keep that many around! The one I birthed – there is no love stronger than that of a mother for her child. At least, in my world, that’s true. She’s pretty much the greatest thing ever, even when she’s at her worst. The one who birthed me – I understand my mother so much better now that I have my own child. I love her to pieces because I understand how much she has done to give me a good (albeit sheltered) life. I appreciate that. The one I created life with – Hm. What to say. We have the most complicated, yet simplistic relationship ever. Things are going well, and I’m good with that. I love that we created such a beautiful little person and are connected in a way that I’ve never shared with someone else before. *shrug* The one who I confide in most – She is the one who can play the angel […]